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McCain’s Debate camp leaked this. Brilliant.

There are saboteurs in the Republican Party. There have been since the Presidential Primary. Maybe before then. I can’t be certain. I can’t prove it, and I don’t know how deep the rabbit hole goes, but I’m certain that a group of very sly individuals is trying to sink the USS GOP from inside. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the McCain Mutiny.

Who, you ask, and why? It could be a group of Lefty spies, lying dormant since they “defected” from the Clinton administration in ’95. It could be a group of hardline conservatives who don’t want to see their party fall into NeoCon hands, and figure that a complete collapse is the best way to reset things to the way the used to be. It could be, simply, a bunch of nihilistic anarchists. Unfortunately, my friends, I just don’t know, but I’ll look into it and get back to ya!

Our story begins in early 2007, at the beginning of the race for the Republican Nomination:

Act 1

During the Republican presidential Rudy “9/11″ Giuliani led the race for the nomination for almost the entire year of 2007. McCain and Romney (and later Huckabee) were in the rear with the gear, hovering between 10-15% of the votes to Rudy’s 20-30%. Huckabee made a surge right around December of ’07, and the year ended in a close race, with Huckabee trimming his Christmas tree with a slight lead. The new year saw a slight boost in McCain’s numbers, but word on the street was that Huckabee would probably be the man. Then, POW! In a two week span in late January-early February of ’08, McCain gained 20 points. Rudy and Huck got out of the way, and even Romney tucked tail with 31% of pollees in his corner.

I distinctly remember many of my Republican friends saying to me, “McCain? Geez, where’d he come from?”

It felt strange, but politics is a freaky game, my friends. McCain went on to nab his party’s nomination. Was he the best candidate, or were Huckabee, Romney, and 9/11 “convinced” that they should bow out? And if so, who convinced them?

Act 2

After a relatively normal campaign, McCain came out of left field in late August with the announcement that Alaska’s Governor Sarah Palin would be running-mate. I think we’ve all seen the damage this decision is doing to his campaign. You can’t swing a dead Arctic cat without hitting a bad Palin interview. I’m sure she’s a helluva person to be around; you know, hang out, drink Russian vodka, swap hockey stories, discuss beauty tips for pit bulls Moms on the go. Fun! But VP? No, no, no…she’s the last person we, the voters, want on standby for the Big Dance…

…and someone in the Republican Party knows that.

Act 3

The script for Act 3 is still being written. The final curtain falls on November 4. If the saboteur(s) are successful, they will have ruined the GOP’s chance to pick out drapes for the White House for at least 4 years, possibly 8 or more. It would seem that there is no way McCain can win the White House with Palin by his side. The only thing left to see is whether the good guy or the bad guy wins in the end. My guess is that it will be both. It’s a clear case of life imitating art. In the movie Se7en (spoiler alerts), the bad guy dies at the hands of our intrepid hero, but he wants the hero to kill him in order to prove a point. He dies, but he wins.

I think the conspirators are thinking about this the same way, if they are indeed party loyals. They know they are shooting themselves in the head, but the know that in time they will be reborn, rising from the ashes of utter defeat to take back the government they love so dear. In other words, they’re making the ultimate sacrifice to ensure the enemy gets enough rope to hang themselves. On the other hand, if they’re Democrat spies, they’ll whoop and holler in celebration, smoke cigars, and laugh too loudly at one another’s jokes. And hire hookers. Lots of hookers.

Final Thoughts

Their only misstep may have been the selection of Palin. That may have been too over-the-top. I’m sure someone said, “OK, we need to pick someone nobody would ever vote for. Like Dan Quayle…but cuter and with a better sense of fashion.” And find that person they did.

But I’m on to them, my friends, I’m on to them…

–Ant.